Oh, right. Now I remember why i dont clean my room.

Because it hurts to. Like reopening scabbed over gashes that bleed nostalgia so profusely.

Happiness.
Anger.
Despondency.
Regret.

What a fucking rush..

All things kept to remember better times & shitty ones.


A mess was/is my life. I cant let go of these things. Almost every bit of seemingly meaningless matter is significant to me. Old clothes, notes from high school, stickers, pictures, magazines, pins of bands i've almost forgotten about.

I can't let go. I can keep cleaning, but i'll just find a new way to pack rat this shit somewhere.

My room will ALWAYS be a mess.
& for the most part, i'm ok with that.

So

At this moment i'll tell you how i truly feel. This isn't the happiest i can be, or the even the happiest ive ever been, but its close.

Today marked the end of my spring semester, 2009. I cant begin to express how deeply indebted i am to the people who've made this hasted experience so fucking beautiful.

I know we tried doing one last podcast about how we felt, though the possibility of it not being posted turned the semi-serious discussion into an hour round of gay dick jokes that didn't have to go anywhere. But to me, thats the advocate in a nutshell.

Not the knowledge we've gained thru writing/photography/design improvements, or our abilities to force them like no tomorrow. Just this tightly nit feeling of togetherness. Growth as people. Growth thru societal gain & our ability to share instead of condescend.

A yr ago i came into a place that reeked of ego. A place that alienated me beyond balls. A lot has changed since then. It suddenly became easier for me to extend my hand without it being slapped. Something i never though i'd see happen, ever. & i know i slurred this shit between jokingly implying that i enjoyed seeing other men naked, but ive really never felt anything else so genuine.


I have high hopes for the coming yr with an almost completely different staff. As far as returning.. i dont know. I guess i'll have this summer to think it over.

Thank you for everything, everyone.

Let me tell you something

about the most intrinsic sense of belonging. & how overwhelmingly glad i've felt to be part of something so amazing.. but it will have to wait. This post will serve its purpose as a promise for the greatest things i'll ever have to say in the coming days.


Now i'll get back to catching up on some work i've been neglecting from other classes & studying for my second-to-last final. Fuck.