& keep screaming.
I am alone. I've always been alone.
Selflessly selfish. I'm catering to you before i'm catering to myself in pathetic hopes that maybe someday the same favor, even on a minuscule scale, can be reciprocated. I'm screaming so loud from the very bottom of this hole, but from the broken surface, it's nothing more than murmurs. I'm screaming for something. Maybe its clarity. Gratification. Tranquility. No.. something else. & maybe i'll never know what that 'something' is. This gaping hole will just have to be. Not to be filled, but forever to be dug deeper. & at the very bottom of this gaping hole is where i'll still be. Screaming.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
No need to focus when there's nothing worth seeing
My mouth. My fucking dumb mouth. The taste was of ashtray & vomit.
It's fitting.
It's fitting.
Friday, June 26, 2009
To one of the greatest icons of all time
One of the most important people in this world, one musician i can actually say is an artist i'll forever hold dearly, passed. Never in my life has a celebrity's death ever stood out to me, or even bothered me even a fourth the way it does now.
"In My Trials
And My tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart."
Farewell, Michael Jackson.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I won't forget
Fuck this day.
My insides decay in such a subtle manor. It still breaks my heart knowing youre not physically here. I love you. Please come back. You don't know what i'd give to just hear that you never really left & maybe you just staged what happened more than a yr ago. That maybe you just were tired of us. & that maybe had another family you'd rather dedicate yr life to. I wouldn't care. I would rather have that my reality than the mess you've left us with.
My insides decay in such a subtle manor. It still breaks my heart knowing youre not physically here. I love you. Please come back. You don't know what i'd give to just hear that you never really left & maybe you just staged what happened more than a yr ago. That maybe you just were tired of us. & that maybe had another family you'd rather dedicate yr life to. I wouldn't care. I would rather have that my reality than the mess you've left us with.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
journalistic Dynamo
Los Angeles-- Social network website, MySpace, falls short in "arms race" among competitors.
As of January 23, there were reportedly 598,209,343 people currently holding accounts with MySpace, of which 321,914,002 were deemed "inactive," said MySpace media manager Greg Domo.
"This is the lowest rate of inactive accounts and new member turnout since MySpace's inception in 2003," he said. "We're literally in an arms race, and sad it's sad to say, but we're honestly losing."
The major contingent in MySpace's current slump was found to be the lack of simplicity offered from networks such as Facebook and Twitter.
Avid social network user Aguinaldo Commonsworth said, "(MySpace) just doesn't cut it anymore."
Commonsworth, who has had an account with MySpace since 2003, argued that the reason why the website has been been lagging was due to the "over ambitiousness" of profile and homepage layouts and pointless amalgamation of features from Facebook and Twitter. "(Facebook and Twitter's) rise was so unprecedented because they offered services so basic. No hideously crowded coding, or an almost intrinsic need to use a pseudonym for a display name," he said.
"It's one thing to f--- around, haphazardly, with your homepages and profiles, but why would they have to incorporate things like status updates and other applications like a instant messaging toolbar?" It just makes them seem like biters," he said.
MySpace CEO Tom Anderson was not new to the blatancy of MySpace's abrupt unpopularity. "We're just doing what we can to keep afloat," he said.
"We thought that by adding these features, it would just a bigger incentive for people to keep an active account." Anderson said suddenly sobbingly, "It's kinda futile trying to grab new users... the most we can hope for is to do the best we can to keep our existing ones."
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg expressed disappointment in Anderson and MySpace personnel.
"This is really a new low (for them)," he said. "There was a friendly sense of competitive camaraderie between me and Tom at one point, then it just got bitter."
Legal action for copyright infringement has been filed by Zuckerberg, but there have been no further details released, nor has there been conformation of another lawsuit from Twitter co-founder Jack Dorsey.
Dick Eshard
CNN
As of January 23, there were reportedly 598,209,343 people currently holding accounts with MySpace, of which 321,914,002 were deemed "inactive," said MySpace media manager Greg Domo.
"This is the lowest rate of inactive accounts and new member turnout since MySpace's inception in 2003," he said. "We're literally in an arms race, and sad it's sad to say, but we're honestly losing."
The major contingent in MySpace's current slump was found to be the lack of simplicity offered from networks such as Facebook and Twitter.
Avid social network user Aguinaldo Commonsworth said, "(MySpace) just doesn't cut it anymore."
Commonsworth, who has had an account with MySpace since 2003, argued that the reason why the website has been been lagging was due to the "over ambitiousness" of profile and homepage layouts and pointless amalgamation of features from Facebook and Twitter. "(Facebook and Twitter's) rise was so unprecedented because they offered services so basic. No hideously crowded coding, or an almost intrinsic need to use a pseudonym for a display name," he said.
"It's one thing to f--- around, haphazardly, with your homepages and profiles, but why would they have to incorporate things like status updates and other applications like a instant messaging toolbar?" It just makes them seem like biters," he said.
MySpace CEO Tom Anderson was not new to the blatancy of MySpace's abrupt unpopularity. "We're just doing what we can to keep afloat," he said.
"We thought that by adding these features, it would just a bigger incentive for people to keep an active account." Anderson said suddenly sobbingly, "It's kinda futile trying to grab new users... the most we can hope for is to do the best we can to keep our existing ones."
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg expressed disappointment in Anderson and MySpace personnel.
"This is really a new low (for them)," he said. "There was a friendly sense of competitive camaraderie between me and Tom at one point, then it just got bitter."
Legal action for copyright infringement has been filed by Zuckerberg, but there have been no further details released, nor has there been conformation of another lawsuit from Twitter co-founder Jack Dorsey.
Dick Eshard
CNN
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Oh, right. Now I remember why i dont clean my room.
Because it hurts to. Like reopening scabbed over gashes that bleed nostalgia so profusely.
Happiness.
Anger.
Despondency.
Regret.
What a fucking rush..
All things kept to remember better times & shitty ones.
A mess was/is my life. I cant let go of these things. Almost every bit of seemingly meaningless matter is significant to me. Old clothes, notes from high school, stickers, pictures, magazines, pins of bands i've almost forgotten about.
I can't let go. I can keep cleaning, but i'll just find a new way to pack rat this shit somewhere.
My room will ALWAYS be a mess.
& for the most part, i'm ok with that.
Happiness.
Anger.
Despondency.
Regret.
What a fucking rush..
All things kept to remember better times & shitty ones.
A mess was/is my life. I cant let go of these things. Almost every bit of seemingly meaningless matter is significant to me. Old clothes, notes from high school, stickers, pictures, magazines, pins of bands i've almost forgotten about.
I can't let go. I can keep cleaning, but i'll just find a new way to pack rat this shit somewhere.
My room will ALWAYS be a mess.
& for the most part, i'm ok with that.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
So
At this moment i'll tell you how i truly feel. This isn't the happiest i can be, or the even the happiest ive ever been, but its close.
Today marked the end of my spring semester, 2009. I cant begin to express how deeply indebted i am to the people who've made this hasted experience so fucking beautiful.
I know we tried doing one last podcast about how we felt, though the possibility of it not being posted turned the semi-serious discussion into an hour round of gay dick jokes that didn't have to go anywhere. But to me, thats the advocate in a nutshell.
Not the knowledge we've gained thru writing/photography/design improvements, or our abilities to force them like no tomorrow. Just this tightly nit feeling of togetherness. Growth as people. Growth thru societal gain & our ability to share instead of condescend.
A yr ago i came into a place that reeked of ego. A place that alienated me beyond balls. A lot has changed since then. It suddenly became easier for me to extend my hand without it being slapped. Something i never though i'd see happen, ever. & i know i slurred this shit between jokingly implying that i enjoyed seeing other men naked, but ive really never felt anything else so genuine.
I have high hopes for the coming yr with an almost completely different staff. As far as returning.. i dont know. I guess i'll have this summer to think it over.
Thank you for everything, everyone.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Let me tell you something
about the most intrinsic sense of belonging. & how overwhelmingly glad i've felt to be part of something so amazing.. but it will have to wait. This post will serve its purpose as a promise for the greatest things i'll ever have to say in the coming days.
Now i'll get back to catching up on some work i've been neglecting from other classes & studying for my second-to-last final. Fuck.
Now i'll get back to catching up on some work i've been neglecting from other classes & studying for my second-to-last final. Fuck.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
gnits eht
"I don't know if you can hear me, _______, but there's something I want to tell you; I love you."
"I'm so scared, _____. I don't know what to do."
"Just wake up, _______. Please.. just wake up."
"I don't understand what you mean."
"Just wake up..."
"I'm so scared, _____. I don't know what to do."
"Just wake up, _______. Please.. just wake up."
"I don't understand what you mean."
"Just wake up..."
Friday, April 24, 2009
This shouldn't bother me as much as it does
But i already know how shitty i am with everything i do. Writing, in particular, has turned into beating a dead horse.
Disadvantages brought upon myself at some fucked convention i can accept, but I mean, what does it tell you when seemingly everyone in this has at least been honorably mentioned for a random selected piece of writing by the adviser, himself?
Whats even shittier is i don't know if i can do better. I'm not sure if i'm even motivated to do better. Why is this feeling of gratification so important anyway?
This is half of why i've already chosen to not come back.
At least now i know this isn't for me anymore.
I've slumped past complacent mediocrity.
Disadvantages brought upon myself at some fucked convention i can accept, but I mean, what does it tell you when seemingly everyone in this has at least been honorably mentioned for a random selected piece of writing by the adviser, himself?
Whats even shittier is i don't know if i can do better. I'm not sure if i'm even motivated to do better. Why is this feeling of gratification so important anyway?
This is half of why i've already chosen to not come back.
At least now i know this isn't for me anymore.
I've slumped past complacent mediocrity.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Spring Semester 2008
I was assigned my first story for print around this time last yr. A new member to the Advocate, i was still yet to know the entire rhythm of things. The article was about the speech team nearly winning. The editor in chief at the time sprung it on me the day of production. Fuckin terrified, i took the assignment since i denied my story prior, which was Lunafest. I couldn't cover the event because i was supposed to be in San Diego that weekend for a birthday. This was during the beginning stages of my father's illness, so my family & i ended up not going. Three sources in less than three hrs. Sat in the newsroom & typed it up like no tomorrow. I couldn't believe i did it. It was so hasted, such little info & poorly written. & it made it. & even though it was shitty, i'm glad it ran. Because he got to see it. That following wednesday, i came with a fresh issue ready for my parents. My mom tried getting my father out to walk that day. I came home early. They got to read it together. They loved it. My mother, my father. They were both so proud. Seeing their faces made me forget how bad the article was. Its more than a yr later. Though i still can't believe it, I was appointed a spot on the editorial board as Scene Editor among obviously more deserving writers.
Oh, how i miss you. I want you to be here. I want to tell you in person. But i hope you know. You're still my guiding star. & i'm sorry i've let you down before & even after you've left. Hopefully this is will be a better start more than ever.
Oh, how i miss you. I want you to be here. I want to tell you in person. But i hope you know. You're still my guiding star. & i'm sorry i've let you down before & even after you've left. Hopefully this is will be a better start more than ever.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
An OP
January 20, 2009 was surely a day to be remembered in history as the world watched the 44th US President elect, Barack Obama, being sworn into oath in front of well over one million American citizens who attended the inauguration ceremony.
Upon being sworn by Chief Justice John Roberts, Mr. Obama had delivered yet another powerful speech of his acceptance to span the masses with the promise of greatness and reformation among the country’s foreign and domestic affairs. He acknowledged that his tasks were indeed going to be arduous, but also had safely assured his pledges by reminding America of its triumph over adversity through past endeavors.
Obama has a remarkable level of ambitiousness toward unifying not only the US, but other nations and his willingness to work toward a peaceful path gleamed through statements such as, “To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist,” which was addressed to those of the Muslim world.
Mr. Obama had spoke of the plans for reevaluation of the Middle East and repairs for US economy, but there just seemed to be a sense of generality. Obama had brushed through what to expect through his administration in terms of dealing with terrorism and our suffering economy, but had emphasized a little bit more on the hardships during the era of the civil war, such as slavery and segregation (which are still important and very much relevant). In addition to his broadness among topics, Obama’s statements throughout the inaugural address had also felt repetitious, as he expressed several times, basically that things will work; the process, the road to recovery will be difficult, but it will be faced.
If there is one sure thing that surely can be affirmed from any of Obama’s speeches thus far, it is that what ever promise with the appearance of it being an impossibility, can be powered by his emphasized “Yes, we can!” attitude through his booming tone of overwhelming confidence. His speech conveyance is strong and punctual, but what a lot of people tend to dismiss is that he has not done anything to significantly change or fix America’s situated position in the world yet (not that the past election was not already a change in pace). People must remember that there is way much more to be done than what Obama has so conveniently condensed enough that the simple enough answer is just “Yes, we can!”
Obama’s strive for shaping this country’s future is unfathomable. The American people were on a much-needed level of awareness during ex-President Bush’s term and it was clear, we needed change. Though Obama is our beacon of hope and our new leader of the free world, people still have the right to be skeptical of his abilities and should not stop questioning his actions and plans during his term in the oval office. Let’s not let his image fool us, nor let his voice serenade our fears to sleep just yet.
Upon being sworn by Chief Justice John Roberts, Mr. Obama had delivered yet another powerful speech of his acceptance to span the masses with the promise of greatness and reformation among the country’s foreign and domestic affairs. He acknowledged that his tasks were indeed going to be arduous, but also had safely assured his pledges by reminding America of its triumph over adversity through past endeavors.
Obama has a remarkable level of ambitiousness toward unifying not only the US, but other nations and his willingness to work toward a peaceful path gleamed through statements such as, “To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist,” which was addressed to those of the Muslim world.
Mr. Obama had spoke of the plans for reevaluation of the Middle East and repairs for US economy, but there just seemed to be a sense of generality. Obama had brushed through what to expect through his administration in terms of dealing with terrorism and our suffering economy, but had emphasized a little bit more on the hardships during the era of the civil war, such as slavery and segregation (which are still important and very much relevant). In addition to his broadness among topics, Obama’s statements throughout the inaugural address had also felt repetitious, as he expressed several times, basically that things will work; the process, the road to recovery will be difficult, but it will be faced.
If there is one sure thing that surely can be affirmed from any of Obama’s speeches thus far, it is that what ever promise with the appearance of it being an impossibility, can be powered by his emphasized “Yes, we can!” attitude through his booming tone of overwhelming confidence. His speech conveyance is strong and punctual, but what a lot of people tend to dismiss is that he has not done anything to significantly change or fix America’s situated position in the world yet (not that the past election was not already a change in pace). People must remember that there is way much more to be done than what Obama has so conveniently condensed enough that the simple enough answer is just “Yes, we can!”
Obama’s strive for shaping this country’s future is unfathomable. The American people were on a much-needed level of awareness during ex-President Bush’s term and it was clear, we needed change. Though Obama is our beacon of hope and our new leader of the free world, people still have the right to be skeptical of his abilities and should not stop questioning his actions and plans during his term in the oval office. Let’s not let his image fool us, nor let his voice serenade our fears to sleep just yet.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Projects/Plans
Aside from school, i will attempt to busy myself with composing a zine, writing stories (for my own fulfillment) &.. create a social networking service with such a silly concept, i'm pretty sure people would catch on.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
new yrs
No resolutions. I have a hard enough time even keeping promises. What i've come to realize over the past yr is that nothing is ever completely assured. We can lose anything & everything important, or what we hold dear to us in an instant. All we can really prepare ourselves for is uncertainty.
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